renege on the blog ban

I can't do it--I have to blog!! I have too many things to do that need to be procrastinated, and I have exhausted all other avenues of procrastination. I have caught up on all of my blogs via google reader (something like 50+ blogs!), obsessively refreshed my Facebook feed and stalked every remotely interesting post,  g-chatted until my fingers have hurt, and even done some semi-productive things: deep cleaned all of the bathrooms, vacuumed all the floors, dusted and oiled the kitchen cabinets, completed three loads of laundry, washed all the dishes, baked loaves upon loaves of bread, worked out, practiced yoga, observed a Suzuki lesson, and started a new project to incentivize my own piano students to practice. (These activities have taken two days--I certainly didn't get it all done today!) But there is still more to be done.

Namely, I need to finish one of the books I am reading. Because I spent most of my reading time last week researching my church talk, I put my books down and have been unable to pick them up ever since. This is the takeaway lesson I'm getting from this: Only read one non-fiction book at a time!! Even though the three books I'm reading are all very interesting and readable, they are ALL heavy-duty non-fiction, and I am going crazy with guilt because I am plodding through them at an unbelievably slow pace. I crave that feeling of accomplishment that comes with finishing a book. You know, that semi self-righteous feeling of having enlightened your mind about how a child's brain develops, what factors interact to produce societal collapse, how culture interacted with the development of a great prophet, etc., etc., etc..  I have over 1000 pages to go before I achieve this type of non-fictionesque brain nirvana, and I am seriously daunted.

And so I blog. For those interested, here's a picture of me at 32 weeks:

 

Depending on where you put my starting weight, I have gained between 45 and 50 pounds. That's right. 45-50 lbs!!!! This in spite of the fact that I have drastically cut back my sugar intake and have exercised 30 minutes a day 6 days a week for weeks straight. The weight just keeps piling on, and I despairingly observe the numbers on the scale climb every time I step on it.

In church on Sunday, we talked a lot about Mary and the way she dealt carrying and bearing the Christ child. The Sunday school teacher asked the class if anyone cared to share how they felt about carrying and bearing children. One incredibly sweet, saintly woman raised her hand and talked about the holy and sacred feelings she has whenever she's pregnant, and how she is overwhelmed with love by her child-carrying experiences. I think I literally turned green from envy as she spoke. I wish, I really truly wish, that I spent most of my pregnancy meditating on the beautiful and holy parts of carrying a child. Most of the time I just feel fat. I spend a lot of time brooding over the purple (purple!!!) stretch marks, the back pain, my very own linea nigra (which JOGS at my belly button; I basically look like a mal-manufactured teddy bear) and on and on and on. It's a very self-centered way to go through pregnancy, and when I got home from church, I commented to Abe that I suspect I need a better attitude.

"Hmmm..." he replied cautiously. "I think you might be a little happier if you, er, approached this time a bit differently." He tentatively ventured to add that he thought the experience could be a lot better than what I currently make it out to be. 

My sweet, gentle husband. I love him. And I love our baby, so I am determined to do a better job focusing on the beautiful and positive aspects of pregnancy. Ever since Sunday, I have tried to pay more attention to the times when Lydia kicks or hiccups. I try to emotionally plug into the fact that my daughter is growing inside of me, and that someday soon I'll get to meet her, hold her, and love her. 

I am also so touched by the homemade gifts that so many friends have given to our baby. Yesterday I received a beautifully decorated container one of my former mission companions sent to me, and I took a picture of it and some other items friends have made for Lydia. I wish I could post pictures of all the sweet booties, hats, blankets and dresses people have made, but many of the items are in Hyde Park since we are moving back shortly after Lydia is born. Here the picture of three things we have in Evanston: 

 

Thank you to all of my loving family and friends who have been so sweet and supportive during this time! I feel so blessed whenever I think on how I lucked out on the friend and family department, and I really hope I can be more appreciative of the great privilege of motherhood--purple stretchmarks and all.