wave

Yesterday occasioned my first major meltdown in months. Poor Abe got home after a long day, and then he stayed up past midnight while I sobbed and snorted out my tale of woe. These days I'm perpetually out of breath anyway, but crying fits of hysteria translate into sentences that take a full five minutes to complete. I'm sure Abe had no idea what I was talking about until thirty minutes into the conversation, but he just held me and listened as if what I was saying made perfect sense.

Here's why I was crying: My mom's mission call came yesterday. She got assigned to the mission of her dreams, the Church and Family History Library Mission at church headquarters, for 18 months. She leaves on October 18, which seems so soon. While I am happy for my mother and completely support her decision to do something she has always wanted to do, I am terrified to bring a child into the world without her help. Just the thought of it fills me with something that feels a lot like panic.

Before I type myself into meltdown #2, let me share a few thoughts I had in the temple that have helped me through this present situation. I went to the temple feeling a little grumpy at God for inspiring my mom to go on a mission at such an inconvenient time, but while I was there I found myself looking at a picture of Mary and Joseph on their way to Bethlehem. Mary is pregnant and sitting on a donkey, and she's looking down at her belly while Joseph leads the donkey in the direction of Bethlehem.

It occurred to me that Mary must have contemplated the fact that none of her family would be around when her baby was born. She had to give birth in a stable (or cave) with only the support of Joseph, her brand new husband. I don't even know if she had the help of a midwife, although I hope someone in Bethlehem was compassionate enough to go find her one. She probably missed the support of her family terribly, but God helped her through her ordeal. She ended up having to raise her baby for the first few years in the entirely foreign land of Egypt--just imagine the lack of a support network there--but again, the Lord was with her. She trusted in him, and He did not let her down.

I do not wish to compare myself to Mary in any other way but this: I believe that if I trust in God, just as she trusted in God, He will supply my needs. He will be my support, a more than sufficient stand-in while my mother is gone.

Sometimes I feel a lot like Peter walking on the water towards Christ. When my eyes and thoughts are centered on God, I feel full of faith that He will get me through. But then, sometimes (as in last night), I shift focus to the raging water around me--in this case, the thought of having my first child without the immediate advice and help of my mom--and I feel my faith falter.

Abe told me last night that I'm stronger than I think I am, and that everything will be okay. I do think that if I could just learn to keep my thoughts always focused on God, then perhaps I really could be stronger than I currently am. In the meantime, though, I'm going to have to give Him something to work with, so I've decided to boost my confidence by researching babies. I checked out my first book on the topic from the library this morning. It touts itself as "the ultimate guide to understanding, caring for, and raising your new baby...trusted by over 16 million parents around the world." I'm hoping it will help calm down these awful waves.